Monday, October 20, 2008

I Wait for God


On Thursday, March 20, 2008 at 9:57 pm, two became one. I was alone. My husband of many years took his last earthly breath and left me alone.

I move more cautiously now. I am more careful when coming down the stairs, when I walk down the sloping yard behind the house, when I drive the car….
It is painful to realize ALONE. It is a painful, sharp, and dull black hole kind of feeling.

I am trying to move on, as my family says I should, but I do not know what I am supposed to move TO.

Every day, without fail, I ask God to show me the way, to tell me what to do, as I seem to be paralyzed and do not know what to do by myself. At the end, my husband suffered a massive stroke. The same thing seems to have happened to me – in a different kind of way. I cannot seem to step out from underneath this heavy blanket of nothingness that has enclosed me.

Grief is not kind.

My physical body is not motionless. I am busy every day doing some kind of physical work, as I cannot sit inside this house and do nothing. But my mind and spirit remain almost numb and I feel so much heaviness in my chest.

And so, I wait for God…

Joanne Saxon Hill

4 comments:

Sandra said...

Hello Joanne
Sorry to hear about your lost...Time will help to heal, just live with the good memories and the help of those around you. I am sure he would have wanted you to make the best of your life.
I have lost lots of loved one in the past few years. So I do know some of what you are feeling. And if you let it it can take a toll on you.
Thru God's strength and friends and family you can get help . And put your daily stress into your work.
If you are sad, do sad work, if happy do happy work, and if you need to cry...Cry!
Hope it will get better for you soon...
A new friend...
Sandra

RainbowMom said...

Joanne,

One tender step at a time and know that you are not alone. God does walk with you every moment he is there. Peace. Tammy

AngelaMichelle said...

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I can't imagine trying to go through something like that without God. He is strong enough, and oh, how He loves you! I'll be praying for you and your family.
Another new friend,
Ang

Sarah said...

moving on is a process. It takes time--a lot of time. Don't let anyone push you into pretending you are "over it."

Really, grief is just a process of getting used to the new way of things. It isn't a forgetting or a "getting over" things. It is a shift and an adjustment.

I have been following your blog since we swapped ACEO cards on Etsy. I have been thinking of you and sometimes sending a prayer your way. I am happy to see you writing here again. I would think it is a good sign.

Your husband's time on earth was finished, but yours isn't. When you are ready, you will be able to shine again.

I believe our loved ones don't really leave us. I am certain he is watching over you and his love for you hasn't changed. God is watching over you, too. Neither one expects you to just snap out of it. They understand in a way no one else can what you are going through.

Keep your faith and keep doing things you love. Listen to yourself and know that you are doing what you are supposed to be doing and you are making it!

Love, Sarah