Monday, October 20, 2008

I Wait for God

On Thursday, March 20, 2008 at 9:57 pm, two became one. I was alone. My husband of many years took his last earthly breath and left me alone.

I move more cautiously now. I am more careful when coming down the stairs, when I walk down the sloping yard behind the house, when I drive the car….
It is painful to realize ALONE. It is a painful, sharp, and dull black hole kind of feeling.

I am trying to move on, as my family says I should, but I do not know what I am supposed to move TO.

Every day, without fail, I ask God to show me the way, to tell me what to do, as I seem to be paralyzed and do not know what to do by myself. At the end, my husband suffered a massive stroke. The same thing seems to have happened to me – in a different kind of way. I cannot seem to step out from underneath this heavy blanket of nothingness that has enclosed me.

Grief is not kind.

My physical body is not motionless. I am busy every day doing some kind of physical work, as I cannot sit inside this house and do nothing. But my mind and spirit remain almost numb and I feel so much heaviness in my chest.

And so, I wait for God…

Joanne Saxon Hill